Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
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My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex