Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
You Might Also Like
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs