went fishing caught a bass
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It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Leaving the Barbers like
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.
Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body