went fishing caught a bass
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Jus’ sayin. 😐
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper