went fishing caught a bass
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Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!