Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Kids: Stay in school.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.