Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving