Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
Isn’t
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
こいつ天才
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?