Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.

Follow me for more recipes

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf