Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
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The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Trumpy Cat
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Hard not to take this personally
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.