Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
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I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
This sounds bad:
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I triple waxed for this?
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black