Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
You Might Also Like
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I’m too immature for adultery.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My patronus is a cheeseburger
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am