Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them