Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
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I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT