Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
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My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”