Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
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[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.