Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
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Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
rebranding
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be