Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.