Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

This one never gets the credit it deserves

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

vegan witches, happy halloween!

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station