Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

How to find Kentucky on a map

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.