Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
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One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.