Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*