Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

Gas station lines at 2 am:

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”