Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

What’sApp

Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.