Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
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When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I love art.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants