Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

The answer is funnier than the question

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.