Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.