Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

I wish all tests were things you peed on

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS