went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
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I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I feel seen.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
mentally somewhere in italy
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.