Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

it’s finally my moment to shine

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end