Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
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The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
mood
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*