Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
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me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing