Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

They must have gotten it to go.

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

girls literally only want one thing..

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.