Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

They grow up so quick

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

okay run it by me one more time

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

If you love someone, let them sleep.

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh