Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
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T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”
I have 1 coffee a day.
Offices are hell.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
My favorite farside!!
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?