Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…