Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
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Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
