Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
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Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine