@handsock_butts

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

- @handsock_butts

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@causticbob

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

@WheelTod

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

@SarcasticSadOne

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

@TheBoydP

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

@WineMummy

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

@iNusku

I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.

@caithuls

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

@lazerdoov

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

@LoveNLunchmeat

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…