Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
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We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares