Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

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ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*


Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer


[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”


I envy pretty criers, I just look like a blotchy, swollen potato drowned in dishwater


Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice


Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”


7: I failed my test

Me: you tried your best

7: I got distracted by a dog outside and rushed everything

Me: happens to the best of us


1am: Huh, I’m not tired…

2am: I feel great! Maybe I don’t need sleep?

3:04am: Euthanise me.


PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.