Yes my dude
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
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ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I envy pretty criers, I just look like a blotchy, swollen potato drowned in dishwater
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
7: I failed my test
Me: you tried your best
7: I got distracted by a dog outside and rushed everything
Me: happens to the best of us
1am: Huh, I’m not tired…
2am: I feel great! Maybe I don’t need sleep?
3am: LET’S EXECUTE EVERY IDEA I’VE EVER HAD.
3:04am: Euthanise me.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.