Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
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“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what