Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only