Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S