Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed