Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
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If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.