went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
Chicken bread
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs