Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
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That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Matthew was born for this.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
kitchen magnet
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King