Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

Me: have a great eye for detail

Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FvJTrB2WwBcokiQ.mp4

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……