Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
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“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.