Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
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“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
We will use anything but the metric system
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone