Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
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townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
selfie game
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
superterriblemorningexpialidocious