ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
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me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.