Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
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Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
