Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

Been trying to expand my vocabulary so I got an app that sends you a word each morning to try and use in conversation that day but I work from home so now I’m just dropping texts in the group chat like, so the ending of Nosferatu was pretty lachrymose wouldn’t you say?

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago