Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
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Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Morning.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
[eulogy]
line?
i feel so bad i refunded him
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what