@gengen874

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

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@JediGigi

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

@Token_Geezer

The reason the Japanese kill so many whales is because they remind them of Americans

@stevevsninjas

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

@AntoKenya

My girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. I was so excited that I ran to another country and have never seen her from then.

@Sassafrantz

And then the Lord said unto thee “any social media site besides Facebook asking for prayers shall go unanswered.”
Matthew 4:23

@RocketRankoon

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

@TheAlexNevil

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?