Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

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“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression


The reason the Japanese kill so many whales is because they remind them of Americans


The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.


My girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. I was so excited that I ran to another country and have never seen her from then.


And then the Lord said unto thee “any social media site besides Facebook asking for prayers shall go unanswered.”
Matthew 4:23


Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”


Me: Am I in trouble?
Me: I’m in trouble.
Me: Bad
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?