Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
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I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES