Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

favorite tropes as memes

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.