Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
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me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok