Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

Hey I worked for it too!

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.