Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

[the purge alarm blares in the distance]

ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…