Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
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[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master