Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

gentlemen, hear me out

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM