Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

I’m tired tomorrow.

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.