Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
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Jokes on them. I took 10.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
this has to be peak English
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
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Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17