Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
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How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
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If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
#dalle2
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got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
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Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.