Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
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If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Pass gas, not judgment.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?