Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
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This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
🔥🔥
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult