Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

You Might Also Like


I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal


Friend: My sister got in a car wreck.

Me, not hearing what you said: What?

Friend: My sister got in a car wreck.

Me, still not hearing but trying to be polite so my friend doesn’t have to repeat a third time: Oh that’s nice! *nods head*


Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so


I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.


Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”


When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.


I like when babies cry and you make the same noise as them, and they look at you like, “Wow. That’s annoying.” and you’re like, “I know.”


GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now


Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.


I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.