Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.