Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

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You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products


I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.


Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.


Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.


I wish softcore horror was a genre. Like, “LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU IT’S A KITTEN! OH THANK GOD IT’S JUST A FEATHER.”


Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.


My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.


me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do