@JohnLyonTweets

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

You Might Also Like

@WheelTod

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

@TheRealPalMal

Friend: My sister got in a car wreck.

Me, not hearing what you said: What?

Friend: My sister got in a car wreck.

Me, still not hearing but trying to be polite so my friend doesn’t have to repeat a third time: Oh that’s nice! *nods head*

@mrjohndarby

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

@Parkerlawyer

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

@NikatNiteNite

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

@AlexvanBeek

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

@P0tterhead_394

I like when babies cry and you make the same noise as them, and they look at you like, “Wow. That’s annoying.” and you’re like, “I know.”

@ReticentTurnip

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

@ThugRaccoons

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

@Quartzjixler

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.