Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.