Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
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All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
it was love at first sight
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty