Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
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A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Happy Thanksgiving
