Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
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king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.