Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
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Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol