Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when someone compliments me

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no